03.02.2023

Maybe I'll just drop and die here, then all the pain would stop...

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Back story

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I first struggled with depression in 2019. Back then, I was hesitant to accept my diagnosis because as I told my psychiatrist "if I get diagnosed, my children will have it now forever as part of their Family History" Months after that discussion, I was reminded of my Lola Sergia's story -- of how her first husband cheated on her, and how she got sick. They say she would just stare out the window the entire day, which left my mom to take care of her siblings -- doing the laundry and the cooking, preparing their snacks for school. Then it hit me -- wasn't that depression already? She couldn't muster energy to take care of her kids. So I had it in my family history all along :( I wanted someplace to write my thoughts as I struggle with depression. There will be good days when I don't write, there will be back stories where I post old notes. It's my pensieve, my thought dump, my prayers. God help me in this journey. My view as I lie on the couch this morning, ...
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Dear 25 year old me

You are a mom now. To a very beautiful little boy. He is God's gift to you - sacred, wonderful, your Prince of Peace and your Superman, all rolled into one. You were nervous and naive as a new mom. Funny how you were not even able to realize you were having contractions already. But, here you are, a young, loving mom to your bundle of joy. Your son's arrival was not easy. The foundation of your relationship with his dad has not been made strong yet -- but it will, love, God will make it perfect in His time. You had your son prematurely, which gave him reasons to stay in the NICU. You had post-partum depression. It wasn't too grave, we mostly attributed it to having to travel to the NICU twice a day for just a glimpse of your son. But we were not eating, we were not feeling. We were just waiting for the next day to go through all of it again. You surpassed that. With the help of the series House, M.D. and a feeling of connection to Francis M, who was also battling illness at...
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02.06.2023

Hi Self. This is your personal hell week. We will close out on our tasks this week and be super productive so that the following weeks will be more bearable, more manageable. We are doing this because we keep saying.... if you don't do anything different, nothing will be. And so we don't want to just keep complaining that work is piling up. We need to do something about it. You need to clear out your action items for the day, including reducing your backlog email and the clutter on your laptop desktop. All very demanding asks, especially you need to do this on top of your daily work. You can do this. I will motivate you every step of the way. I love you and I believe in you. ❤️
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